Coming up with this title actually spawned from a very boring meeting I had to endure for 3 hours at work. Lessons learned. How about we don't make stupid mistakes then we won't have to learn from them? In all seriousness, lessons learned are important in all walks of life, at all ages no matter how experienced you are.
Which leaves me to my top 5 Dad lessons that I have learned from making some minor and major mistakes! If like me, you are an impatient type of person, I would highly recommend skipping straight to lesson number 1!
5. You can't leave your baby alone for ANY length of time
Obvious right? Apparently not when you are a sleep deprived Dad craving a coffee more than anything in the world. I left my 9 month old son on his play mat in the living room which he had been on for the past 20 minutes transfixed with the dangly bits floating above him. Perfect time for a coffee.
I thought about grinding up the beans and just licking them straight off my arm but I hadn't quite reached that level of humility... yet. The kettle finally boils the water complete with extra clumps of limescale and I breathe in the coffee fumes like the woman from the lemsip advert.
Made like a pro, all in under 3 minutes. Running back through to the living room, my blurry /eyes straining at the empty play mat that was in the middle of the room... Panic mode entered my body. Franticly I was looking, I couldn't find him anywhere. He had GONE. I felt like I was 13 again waiting for my Mum to come home from parents evening. I even opened the locked window to see if he had somehow jumped out?! Then, with that very obvious throat clear 'Ahem', my wife was stood in the doorway, my son in her arms. Apparently, she was not best pleased my son was on his play mat enjoying the dangly things unsupervised, so she swiped him and hid on the stairs waiting for me to shit a brick when I realised he was missing. I get why she did it, but still, REAL dick move.
4. Babies DO get car sick
Belly full of baby rice and SMA milk and we are off to visit the In-laws. A very unhappy car as you can imagine, off to visit Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumass and endure their relentless BS for 4 hours. Terrific.
Running slightly behind schedule due to an emergency poo (not the wife this time) and we were off. The red mist took off in hot pursuit of a crippling afternoon. Much to my surprise, taking corners like Colin McRea doesn't bode well with a baby's stomach full of synthetic food. The back of my car looked like the inside of a Dolmio white sauce bottle; the mess was unreal. The best part was the puke managed to hit the back of my wifes head through the gap between the head rest and the car seat; unimpressed doesn't quite cut it.
Having to turn back was a decision we had no choice in, plus the time the wife had to take to get showered and me having to clean the car, the whole trip was cancelled meaning my afternoon went from a 0 to 100 in the space of a few seconds. To celebrate, I made us a Dolmio lasagne in a fitting testament to the day.
3. Babies notice when you change your look
I enjoy keeping my beard and making myself look like Tom Hanks from Castaway and so does my son. Months of having a beard and slightly longer hair than usual, he had gotten used to my trampy-look.
Unfortunately, the wife didn't, so we ended up compromising. Hair cut and full shave. Great. So to spite her pure ignorance for my Castaway look, I trudged upstairs and got the trimmers out. It's a great feeling when the cool air finally hits your smooth face, I couldn't wait to rub my it on my boys face, hearing him giggle and hiccup.
Leaving the sink looking like the floor of a barber shop, I ran back downstairs to surprise my family.
It was like a face swap. My son went from having a lovely, smiley angelic face turned into this crumpled Mandrake. Massive anti-climax. The wife was pleased which I took as a win but it took DAYS before my son would even sit on my lap without crying. At least my dream of having my Tom Hanks beard and shouting "WILSON" was still alive... I am never shaving again.
2. You will never catch up on your sleep
Sleep. God I miss you. At least now my son is 3 and he sleeps through (kind of). But 2 years ago, I was a year in to being a new Dad and sleep was more valuable than the contents of my bank account (around £12).
The day finally arrived when the Grandparents took him for an entire day. Now I know exactly what's going through an excited dogs head when their owner returns home from work. I was BUZZING. An entire day to ourselves? Think of all the shenanigan's we could get up to..
As the parents left in the Red mist for the day, my wife and I ran up to our bed for a sleep filled day with no reason to get out of it except to pee and answer the door for JustEat. We must of gotten at least 6 hours of good quality sleep. I felt like I was 18 again, the bedroom stank of fusty arses.
When my boy was finally drop kicked back into the house by his Grandad, it was feed, bath and bedtime. We were so excited about having all day in bed, we were ready to face a crying-filled night with plenty of interruptions... Bring it on!
Trust my son to sleep through to 05:00am for the first time in almost a year. We were wide awake for the whole night, watching utter crap on TV and trying our best to nod-off whilst watching Doc Martin. Come 04:30am we were both ready for bed, yawning and tiptoeing up the stairs. Clothes off, PJs on and we hit the mattress. Then it started... he was awake. You could not even make it up. I had been praying for this for a year, and the one day I get to indulge he has the cheek to sleep in!
So, lesson learned. Don't bother trying to catch up on your sleep, they will just steal it back.
NUMBER 1. Do not let your baby help with the Sunday Roast
Probably the most obvious statement made by any person in the history of humankind. Just so you know, I agree with you 100%, even before the 'event' happened.
Sunday roast is a firm favourite in our house. Stuffing, yorkshires and more importantly than anything... Gravy. I love gravy, as does 99% of the British population (facts may differ to polls online). But I hate gravy that doesn't have a good colour; it needs to be dark and saucy, not pale and limp (self reflection). So we use gravy browning to give it some good depth, and it tastes like dark brown nectar.
So last thing when it comes to making the Sunday roast is the gravy. Giving it a good stir and whisk to get rid of the big lumps and then pour it all over the plate (or bowl if you're a real gravy lover). The gravy browning bottle is a 250ml size bottle, that lives on the top shelf next to the oven. Here is where my boy comes in; thinking it would be fun to get him to reach up and grab it for me, i lift him up above my shoulders and he grabs it in his tiny hands. Huge mistake. He dropped the bottle which ended up making my kitchen look like a scene from CSI. Brown spats all over the place. Honestly, just look at the picture below, no words I can write can justify it. I'll end this with a monetary value, just so you can really feel involved: £5000 for a new kitchen.
Conclusion
As much as these top 5 are deadly true, It was so important for me to remain positive. Positivity during all of these were key (especially number 1, holy crap), and I found it so much easier to cope whilst keeping that mindset.
So here is the picture you've been waiting to see, #wicks #newkitchen #childforsale #gravygate
